I think change tends to get a bad reputation, laced with negative connotations. Why change when the current works fine? That's exactly the kind of narrow-mindedness that litters today's heads. Things are alright, so there's no point evaluating it.
I tend to over-evaluate. When it comes to dating, I'm in the 'over-thinking' camp. Every text, every reply, every fleeting moment of eye contact, I am completely over-analytical. I can't do 'relaxed'. I suffer from a mild anxiety disorder that means I work myself up into a tizz and have become prone to palpitations and occasional panic attacks. Many people have a misguided view on what a panic attack is. For me, a panic attack is when my heartbeat begins to race uncontrollably, often beating irregularly and basically feeling like it might explode. I know it's not going to actually explode (can a heart actually explode?), but it's still massively uncomfortable and impossible to switch off. I've learned to cope(ish) with these over the last two years, but there's no denying that I'm a worrier.
So inevitably, change is a problem for me. It scares me. I worry what might happen if I lose everything I've worked so hard to acquire.
My Birthday is a little over a week away and I'm going to be 25, and boy do I feel old. In truth, I feel pretty much ancient. TWENTY FIVE. The more I think about it, the older it sounds. The last few months I've been thinking long and hard about my life, where it's been and where it's going. I've analysed everything, in trademark Luke Mitchell fashion. From my friends, my girlfriend, my career and my health, I feel like I've spent a million and one sleepless nights running over a catalogue of scenarios in my head. The last couple of months, I've distanced myself from people who I believe have a negative impact on my life, and I've tried to surround myself with people I trust, and people who trust me. I'll be honest, I gave my relationship a long hard look and asked myself "Is this what I really want?". The answer was yes. Grace is exactly what I want. The truth is she's the brightest part of my life and the person I trust the most. I couldn't possibly lose her.
Today I handed in my notice to the landlord to say that I wouldn't be renewing my contract of tenancy. In the next month or two, I'll be moving into a flat with my best friend. Today I also applied for a vacant job in the City, something I've toyed with doing for 3+ years. It's nerve-wracking, but it's exciting.
Change may scare the hell out of me, but in the past, change has ultimately always been positive. I'm hoping over the next year, as my life continues to evolve, change continues to be kind to me. Because I'm grabbing it by the balls and I'm making my life exactly what I want it to be. You only live once, but if you do it properly, once is enough.
