Change.

Change.

I think change tends to get a bad reputation, laced with negative connotations. Why change when the current works fine? That's exactly the kind of narrow-mindedness that litters today's heads. Things are alright, so there's no point evaluating it.

I tend to over-evaluate. When it comes to dating, I'm in the 'over-thinking' camp. Every text, every reply, every fleeting moment of eye contact, I am completely over-analytical. I can't do 'relaxed'. I suffer from a mild anxiety disorder that means I work myself up into a tizz and have become prone to palpitations and occasional panic attacks. Many people have a misguided view on what a panic attack is. For me, a panic attack is when my heartbeat begins to race uncontrollably, often beating irregularly and basically feeling like it might explode. I know it's not going to actually explode (can a heart actually explode?), but it's still massively uncomfortable and impossible to switch off. I've learned to cope(ish) with these over the last two years, but there's no denying that I'm a worrier.

So inevitably, change is a problem for me. It scares me. I worry what might happen if I lose everything I've worked so hard to acquire.

My Birthday is a little over a week away and I'm going to be 25, and boy do I feel old. In truth, I feel pretty much ancient. TWENTY FIVE. The more I think about it, the older it sounds. The last few months I've been thinking long and hard about my life, where it's been and where it's going. I've analysed everything, in trademark Luke Mitchell fashion. From my friends, my girlfriend, my career and my health, I feel like I've spent a million and one sleepless nights running over a catalogue of scenarios in my head. The last couple of months, I've distanced myself from people who I believe have a negative impact on my life, and I've tried to surround myself with people I trust, and people who trust me. I'll be honest, I gave my relationship a long hard look and asked myself "Is this what I really want?". The answer was yes. Grace is exactly what I want. The truth is she's the brightest part of my life and the person I trust the most. I couldn't possibly lose her.

Today I handed in my notice to the landlord to say that I wouldn't be renewing my contract of tenancy. In the next month or two, I'll be moving into a flat with my best friend. Today I also applied for a vacant job in the City, something I've toyed with doing for 3+ years. It's nerve-wracking, but it's exciting.

Change may scare the hell out of me, but in the past, change has ultimately always been positive. I'm hoping over the next year, as my life continues to evolve, change continues to be kind to me. Because I'm grabbing it by the balls and I'm making my life exactly what I want it to be. You only live once, but if you do it properly, once is enough.

Today is going to be a good day.

It’s Saturday morning and I’m gearing up for a session of mammoth proportions tonight. To put things into perspective, I’ve worked every Saturday since JFK was shot and it is a well-known fact that my alcohol consumption of recent weeks has been well below standard. So tonight, I’m going to go out and get absolutely bloody mortal. Just as long as I can squeeze in a power nap beforehand. It’s Saturday night, let’s go and regret something.

It’s Valentine’s Day soon. In more interesting news, I just had a boiled egg.

In all seriousness, Valentine’s is a day to shower your special someone with expensive shiny things. Unfortunately, due to the restraining order, I can’t get my gifts to Aiden Grimshaw, so I’ll have to just treat myself. I could do with a new hoody (in hindsight I shouldn’t have been a cheapskate and bought the cheap imitation Harvard hoody and just plumped for a decent quality one), but knowing me, I’ll treat myself to a Double Steakhouse Angus.

And for the 5 minutes it takes me to eat that, I will be happier than any of these dozey couples.

So travelling is the flavour of the month. We’ve been quoted around £1700 for our flights, and here’s a very brief summary of the latest itinerary:

Sept 15^th: London >>> Boston

(Overland to Miami)

Oct 15^th : Miami >>> Bangkok (via Los Angeles)

(Overland to Singapore)

Dec 15^th: Singapore >>> Sydney

Then it ends. After Christmas and New Years in Sydney. I have absolutely no idea where life will take me. In an ideal world, I’ll meet a beautiful, blonde, bikini-clad Aussie and fall helplessly and hopelessly in love and live in a little beach hut in Australia for the rest of our lives. But I’d settle for a half-decent job in Oz and a good tan.

Or I could pay a cute, impressionable American chick a couple grand for a sham marriage and US Citizenship.

Of course I’m joking…

I don’t want to come back to Medway. Things might change, but right now I have nothing but my wonderfully huge family in Medway. And my Jack’s Mannequin Vinyls. Shit. But with all due respect to my family and the Mannequin, I have to find my own way and I know that Medway isn’t a place I want to grow old and senile in. 

I am absolutely buzzing for America. I’ve only ever been to Boston and I bloody loved it. I can’t wait to work my way down that east coast, staying in cheap hostels and motels and going to seedy bars. Originally the plan was to go from East to West but I just don’t think we could do it justice in that short space of time, so we’re sticking to the East, So if any of my American readers have any personal recommendations, tips, warnings, or a spare bed or couch, I’m all ears.

It’s abit gutting that it doesn’t look like we’ll be tackling the west coast. Especially since I found this little beaut.

http://www.seeing-stars.com/OC/

I even picked out a nice little hostel near Redondo Beach so I could go have Pancakes at the Pier Diner and see the Bait Shop. Absolutely gutted.

So it’s 10am, I’m in an eerily quiet office having a one-man silent rave to The Smiths, contemplating going out for my third cigarette of the day. Today is going to be a good day. For no other reason than I would like it to be a good day.

Much love,

Luke

I had it all up in my head. And unfortunately, that's where it stayed.

Welcoming in a new year is a time to reflect. It's also a time to drink a shit ton of alcohol and wake up the next morning with a little filly under your arm who incredibly managed to morph from Katy Perry to Dawn French overnight. But mostly it's a time to reflect. A time to look back at what you have and what you haven't accomplished over the last 365 days and a time to make a heartfelt list of things you want to accomplish in the coming 12 months. Every year I see so many people praying that the next year will be better than the last. Last year I was one of those people.

2010 sucked ass. Big time. I lost my fiancee, I lost my housemate and for the first time in my life, I lost direction. That sounds a little melodramatic, sure, but it's not far off the mark. All the time I was with Annie, I never had to question where life was going or what the next few years would hold. I knew exactly what was going to happen: Marriage, kids (4, Aiden, Evy, Olivia, Noah), moving to Canada, getting a pig and a rottweiler. I had it all up in my head. And unfortunately, that's where it stayed.

2011 should have been a pivotal year for me. If you had told me I would have been single come the end of the year, I would have politely told you to do one. As regular readers will know, I tend to get in over my head with girls. I become infatuated pretty easily, but then get very bored. It's not something I can really prevent either; I'm the type of person who mulls over the tiny insignificant details and reads too much into texts, phonecalls and the like. If somebody isn't perfect for me, I give up. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's not.

But yeah, this year should have been about change. Let's take a look at my resolutions I made 12 months ago:


(10) Continue Quest for the perfect Display Picture.

I have a display picture with Roy Walker. If that's not #winning, I don't know what is.

Complete.

(9) Decide where my career is going.

Apparently my career is chugging along at a similar pace. 

Deferred. 

(8) Try a wider variety of Alcoholic Beverages.

I have drunk one new alcoholic beverage every week for 52 weeks. The photo album is pretty special. 

Complete.

(7) Find a new hobby.

Erm... does blogging count? Yeah, sure it does. 

Complete.

(6) Be more selfish. Stop the whole mantra "If you're happy, I'm happy".

I like to think I've been more selfish. I'm still a drip, but I'm definitely alot more honest albeit temperamental. 

Complete.

(5) Clean the cooker. Just once. 

The cooker packed up so the landlord bought us a new shiny one. 

Deferred.

(4) See more of the world.

Hello Boston!! 

Complete.

(3) Wait for Mrs Right, don't go looking for her. Don't settle for second best. Never forget how good a life in love can be, and embrace Idealism (even more so).

I'm still an idealist, but I do tend to still go looking for love in places where deep down I know it isn't there. I still haven't forgotten how good love is, and I don't ever think I will. Have I waited for Mrs Right? Hell no. I've gone looking for her. The one time I didn't go looking, Mrs Almost-right came and found me. 

Failed.

(2) Put on at least a stone of muscle.

I'm not in bad shape. I've put on a stone and I still feel almost rake-like, so let's assume it's muscle. 

Complete.

(1) Give up smoking.

Fuck you Magaluf. 

Failed.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I can look back on this list and I've accomplished a few things. These pretty much revolve around women, beer and social networking. When you dissect it like that, it's a pretty grim state of affairs; last year's resolutions were wank. So I'm throwing it out there to all my lovely readers who have been with me throughout this year, through thick and thin, to guide me, mock me and whatnot. As flies on the metaphorical wall that is my life, I'd love for you to throw a few meaningful resolutions at me and I'll see if I can mold a much more productive list than last year. 

I'll start it off:

• Get CERT CII Qualified, finish my driving lessons and complete my TEFL Course,
• Find a new haircut,
• Man up,
• ...

Help a Brother out.

Much Love,

Luke. 

Buzzing

HEY! It's not all negative!

Yesterday I amazed even myself. I smiled, I nodded, I ignored and I proceeded. SNIP. Under unimaginable frustration. Let me explain.

--- RANT BEGINS HERE ---

My housemate is a domestic nightmare. Or maybe I am just a domestic Goddess. Regardless, last week I specifically asked Sean to make sure he was free on Tuesday the 26th as the landlord was coming round to fix the cupboard in the kitchen and I couldn't be in as it was my Brother's Birthday. At midday, he emailed me asking what time the landlord was due, as his mates were going to the cinema that evening and he wanted to join them. I told him the earliest I could possibly be back would be 7pm, so he just needed to watch the house from 6 til 7 and then he could go. This meant I had less than an hour round my parents for my younger Brother's Birthday. But hey. SNIP.

I got home at 7pm to find Sean in the living room with Chris and Si, just waiting there for me to get back. The landlord was on his own in the kitchen. Did anyone not ever teach Sean to offer guests a cup of tea? How about friendly small talk? ESPECIALLY the friggin' Landlord. But hey. SNIP.

After around three hours of hard grafting and some serious bonding, the Landlord and I were all done in the kitchen. I cleaned, I put the dishwasher on, I swept the floors and took out the rubbish. Sean got in from the cinema and sat on the sofa on his laptop. He also completely ruined the perfectly placed cushions on the sofa. THEY ARE PURELY DECORATIVE, they are not for sitting on! But hey. SNIP.

So I get up this morning to find that not only has Sean NOT emptied the pedal bin in the bathroom full of empty contact lens packets, but he has now started putting the empty packets ON TOP of the bin. But hey. SNIP.

--- RANT ENDS HERE ---

A year ago, I would have said something to him for any of the above instances. But with just ten months until I leave him to fend for himself, I really don't care. Ten months and I will be out of here and he will never find a more dedicated, knowledgeable housemate than me. I spent half an hour chatting with my Mum about travelling last night, and I also found out my company has offices in Adelaide, Sydney and Melbourne which makes significantly improves my prospects of getting a decent job in the Insurance field in Australia. I'm in the kind of mood right now that I really couldn't care who does what or what happens over the next ten months. I am literally wishing them away; I want next Summer to come around so quickly!

I like to use the word 'Buzzing'. Vickie, one of my housemates at University in Liverpool used to use this word all the time; it's not something we use alot in the South East. I wonder how Vickie is getting on. She was the kind of girl who I would not fuck with. In a fight, you would want her on your side, that's for sure!

My Top 5 Favourite Things Right Now:

5 - The fixed kitchen cupboard. And it's clean!
4 - The fact my hair is growing at record speeds.
3 - Ella coming home from Brasil earlier than expected.
2 - My new Underwear - Greatest. Fit. Ever.
1 - WWE Wrestling.

Yes, wrestling is numero uno right now. I have always been a huge wrestling fan, having watched WCW from 1996 until closure, and then WWF/E onwards, and I will go on record to say that I have not enjoyed watching wrestling this much since 1999. To put it bluntly, right now, WWE is shit hot.

I am looking forward to watching Beaver Falls tonight on E4. Three British lads on a Summer Camp in the USA; it sounds like the perfect show. I can see it being American Pie meets 90210. It's always nice to have new shows on TV.

My Top Favourite People Right Now:

5 - Anna, the bakery girl. Because bread products are my joint-favourite type of food along with dairy. I hope she comes home smelling of freshly baked bread. That's the greatest smell in the world.
4 - Diana and Julia, who I like to call my Charlie's Angels. Except I'm not Charlie. Pfft. Technicalities. I love all my Comments I get on my posts, so thank you so much!
3 - Martin - Because he is my fellow muscle-head, my best mate, my Broski and the only person who will embrace the fact that the gay bar is in fact crawling with beautiful single straight women and the pints are the best in town.
2 - Pixie Lott - Have you seen her new video? Wow. I would eat a whole coconut to spend a night with her. And my God I HATE coconut. I'd even drink the milk inside. Of the coconut.
1 - CM Punk - Single-handedly rekindled my love affair with Wrestling. An absolute hero right now.


"Imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know, it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you?"
Am I allowed to say David Hasselhoff?

I don't know who she is. I mean, I can imagine who I want her to be (Pixie Lott), how she acts (slightly loopy, nymphomaniac), what she looks like (short blonde hair, cute grin, size 10), how she speaks (South African), but to borrrow a line from the charismatic enigma that is Michael Buble, "I just haven't met you yet". I've never met a blonde South African. Do they exist?

Do black Chinese people exist for that matter?

I am optimistic that I will have my laptop back by the weekend, which means my formatting, spelling and use of super cool images in my blog will be back to the exceptionally high standards that I set in... well... never. But pictures are fun. I'm working an 8-hour overtime shift on Saturday followed by 3 hours system testing on Sunday, which I believe will take my overtime total for July to 38 hours of double-time. That's 22 hours more than I need to do. I think I have an addiction to overtime.

"Hi, my name's Luke and I am a Workoholic".

"HI LUKE!!"

I guess it keeps me off the beer and puts money in the pockets. In the last year I have given up smoking, caffeine, dubstep and, apparently, sex, so I guess something had to give.


Luke

AWOL

Day 3 without my laptop. This life of FIFA and Man vs Food is actually not half bad. So this week has dragged incredibly, and even though I write this on Thursday morning, I still see no light at the end of the tunnel. I am working another 8-hour Overtime shift on Saturday, which effectively means another 1-day weekend. Sunday is Papa's Birthday, so I am relying on Discount Supplements to provide me with much-needed inspiration and next-day delivery. Typically, my Dad would get a tube of pringles and a cheap bottle of Hock and he would be over the moon with that, but I'm thinking this year I'll get him something gym-related. Having 8 Brothers and Sisters has it's downfalls; I dread to think how much I shell out over the course of the year on Birthdays and at Christmas.

 

Which reminds me, Sean and I finally found the time to watch another episode of The OC last night. And lo and behold, it was a Chrismukkah episode! This got us thinking about Chrismukkah this year and how we can beat last year's effort. If you were not aware, Chrismukkah is the hybrid holiday that combines the best that Christianity (Christmas) and Judaism (Hannukah) have to offer. It's typically for mixed Jewish and Christian families, however due to our ludicrous obsession with anything Orange County, we celebrate it in our humble abode. Last year was our first ever Chrismukkah party and it went down like a storm. This year needs to be bigger, better, and with an extra helping of Chrismukkah miracle.

 

So I am expecting a visit from Annie tonight. I need to tell her I'm going to Boston in September. I'm torn. With regards to her food and eating, she naturally has 'good' days and 'bad' days. I know 100% that this will anger her, so I'm debating whether it's best to tell her on a good day or a bad day. I can't seem to decide, so I think I'll just tell her this evening, because she needs to know. If she finds out through someone else, she'll be even more angry. Sometimes I wish I didn't care what other people think.

 

So, this evening should be a barrell of laughs. Good job I have Big Bang Theory to watch post-Annie.

 

I have been tasked by Ella to write up a list of things I want to do when I'm in Boston. So far, I have:

 

Sex,

Cuddles, 

Beer.

 

I'd like to see her reaction when I turn up in Boston with these three things scribbled on a Post-It. I need to check to see what's on tap for the arenas in Boston and find out if any of my favourite US bands are playing, because if Jack's Mannequin are performing, I'll be there like swim wear.

 

 

 

--- Next Day ---

 

Annie didn't show. I should have expected this. After all, I'm always second to whatever else she has planned. So the anticipated fireworks failed to materialise, which is a shame because I was psyched and ready to unleash this particular torpedo of truth. I still have no laptop, which is frustrating. I am writing this post on my work computer, during work hours, because this Fees work is so damn boring. I sure do miss reading people's Blogs and I'm hoping I haven't missed any life-changing revelations.

 

Last night was tough. I woke up at around 3am with horrific heart palpatations and breathlessness. My heart beat felt so irregular and I was genuinely worried. It took me 45 very uncomfortable minutes to get back to sleep and I came very close to getting up and going downstairs, pouring a Decaff and catching up on Destination X. Nope, that's not a dodgy porno, it's a wrestling PPV. Yep, I still watch wrestling.

 

Earlier in the week I started working out some figures and sums, and at this moment in time, my savings are around £750 ahead of schedule. This is flipping fantastic considering I have already paid for my flights to Boston. This month I have smashed the overtime again (27hours of double-time after Saturday with 2 more weekends to go this calendar month) so I have a nice cushion in case the overtime dries up. Here is my master plan. Right now I am studying for my next CII Insurance Qualification. I am aiming to complete the remaining two exams I need to get this qualification by the end of the year, which means I want to get the one I am currently studying for passed by the end of September. Then, in the new year I will start my driving lessons again (having already done 40 hours or so) and aim to pass my driving test by the end of March. That gives me 2 months (April and May) to tie up all the loose ends and sell all my belongings.

 

I have a collection of WCW Videos in my loft, probably around 20. I don't want to sell them. Granted, they are worth at least £100, but they are my babies! If I have to sell them, I think I will cry. Macho, manly tears.

 

 

 

 

 Luke

Steady

It went something like this:

Text Message from Annie - "Hi x"

** Ring ring.... ring ring... ring ring....**

"Hey".

"Hey you alright? Can you talk?"

"Erm yeah sure, but I might laugh all the way through because I'm completely stoned."

Is it wrong to think I got out at exactly the right time? Before I met her, she was a loose cannon, a wreck-head, a liability. And now, she has resorted to type. For the first time in the last year, I think I'm beginning to thrive. I have the world at my feet, I have all the tools I need to do everything and anything I want. I've never felt more wanted or attractive, even when Annie and I were together. I get alot of interest from women and I feel good about myself. My savings are going better than I could have ever imagined and I have plans. I HAVE MY OWN PLANS! My life plans have never consisted of anything more than 'Get Married', 'Get a half-decent job', 'Have a family'. I have thrown myself in the deep end at work, taking every single opportunity available. System Testing? I'll take a stab at it. Overtime on a Sunday? Of course. 2 more CII exams by the end of the year? Hell yeah! I'm even doing Broker and Underwriter visits, which I HATE. 

My life is travelling at a blistering pace at the moment and I've never felt so energised or invigorated. The gym is awesome. I am finally making the gains I wanted to make this time last year, and the sprinting is fun and rewarding. 

I've changed alot over the last year. Subtle changes, but I feel like a new person. I've got alot closer to my family and, in particular, my Brother Aaron. He's my only older Brother, and he got back from a 6-month tour of Afghanistan with the Army. He's an inspiration to me, and a bloody hero and we are closer than ever which is pretty darn awesome. 

I'm still a soppy hopeless romantic who amazingly still believes in true love, despite what happened with Annie. (Cheers for that gene, Dad!). I still get butterflies and I know full well that I WILL fall in Love again. I hope it's not before my travels. Maybe it will be on my travels. Which brings me to my next point...

Something odd has happened. I am finding myself increasingly attracted to foreign women. Black, Asian, Eastern-European, you name it. Yeah. That's my strange development of the month. Hello cute Asian girl jogging. Wait, WHAT?!

A bit of diversity can't be bad, can it?

"How can you love 'Valentine's Day' but hate 'Love Actually'?" they ask me. I don't flipping know. I just hate 'Love Actually'. I've watched it one and a half times and I can never get that time back! 

Ella has been a tad distant. Maybe I'm just being a tad ridiculous. She has had exams etc. but I love our little Skype sessions. It's always nice to have someone to talk to and she's brilliant at it; she always cheers me up. 

Anyhow, this post has pretty much been a disjointed mess. I'll end on a high note. Today I stumbled across a post on the Gapyear.com forums discussing people who doubted you. When you said you wanted to travel and that you were going to work in Australia, or you were going to save £10,000 and move away, there were always people trying to knock you down. I guess it applies to anything good in life. Maybe it's jealousy. But one poster made my day with this: 

"Just SNIP. Smile, nod, ignore, proceed". 

Love it. 

To end on a song, because quite frankly, music is bloody awesome and the thought that perhaps someone reading this will listen to this song and fall in love with it, well, that's pretty great if you ask me. I love to sing along to this song, and it always makes me smile. I hope you like it too, and I hope you all have a wonderful week.

"It's your flawless soul that bleeds my stone"

Luke

Escape

I'm running away from 9 to 5, Monday to Friday. I'm running away from monotony. I don't want to spend the rest of my life sitting at a desk, processing Insurance Claims. I'm bored. 

I'm running away from friends who don't know what 'trust' means. Friends who don't know what 'loyalty' and 'respect' are. Friends who are content with living the same weekend every weekend. I'm running away from all the so-called 'friends' who haven't had my back over the last year. The people I can't ring when I'm down or in need of some advice. I'm running away from people who want to squash their minds into a small box and resent me for not doing the same. 

I'm running away from a failed 4-year relationship which sapped every last ounce of energy from me. An ex-fiancé who is still completely dependent on me. I'm running away from the stories I hear. Of her passing out in clubs. Of her hooking up with random people. Of her hooking up with my 'friends'. Annie and all the memories, the house, the haunts and the mutual friends. 

I'm running away from Medway. There is absolutely nothing left for me here. The miserable, boring people that seem to populate the Medway Towns, and the ludicrous British weather. 

I'm not quite sure what I'm running towards, or even where. But I know it will be far more exciting and fulfilling than what I have at present. I'm running towards finding my way and finding myself. In the same way I am running away from spineless and untrustworthy 'friends' and crazy ex-girlfriends, I am running towards one of the few people who have been there for me. I'm running towards Ella. And I'm running towards meeting new people, from all walks of life, with all sorts of different backgrounds and stories who, like me, just want to enjoy the brief fleeting existence we call life. Because if you're not happy, you're just not living. 

I'm running towards brighter days. 

'The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun'. 

Chris McCandless.