Four

It's been a week since my last post. ALOT has changed. I'm talking huge life-changing revelations. Let me elaborate. 

I got my hair cut. I got a 4 on the top. SHORT. 

I bought some swim shorts. Little red ones. Like Baywatch. Primark. £3. I am a man of expensive taste. 

I bought a new American T-Shirt. I make that 4 now. Slightly obsessed..?

...

Yeah... I lied. No life-changing revelations. This is a good thing. I'm going to have more than enough change in 2012, so right now I want life to stay exactly the way it is for the remainder of 2011. 

I think my biggest achievement this past week was more of a realisation, although if anyone asks I like to describe it as an epiphany (because, you know, epiphany sounds WAY cooler). You see, when you're in love (like REALLY in love), that person brings out the best in you. However, I have realised that there is absolutely nothing stopping you from being that person without being in love. Sure, it may take some more effort, but you can be everything you want to be and be the best version of yourself without any need for help from a significant other. I like to think that right now, at this moment in time, minus the hovering ash cloud of doom, I am as happy as I have ever been, and I think I am the very best version of me. 

Are you the best version of yourself? I'd love to know. 

So, despite being absolutely chuffed to bits in general right now, there are a select few things that would complete me. Well, the big man up there isn't going to give me everything, is he!!? :)

I want the new season of One Tree Hill to start now. Right now. I'll boil the kettle. 

I want my skin to clear up. It's slowly clearing up. I want it to clear up quicker. 

I want Magaluf to be, like, tomorrow.

I want to watch 'Boys and Girls' again. I think I'll do that this weekend, it always makes me smile. 

I want Ella to knock on my door and come and give me a cuddle. 

Sue me, I love cuddles. I'm man enough to admit that. Yeah, I welled up watching the Notebook. There was a tear in my eye when Aeris died. I had butterflies when William and Kate got married. And my God I was devastated when I found out on Friday that 'Macho Man' Randy Savage tragically died. One of my childhood heroes, he was a true icon and a legend of the squared circle. Rest in peace, heaven needed a main-eventer like you, Savage. 

Luke

Steady

It went something like this:

Text Message from Annie - "Hi x"

** Ring ring.... ring ring... ring ring....**

"Hey".

"Hey you alright? Can you talk?"

"Erm yeah sure, but I might laugh all the way through because I'm completely stoned."

Is it wrong to think I got out at exactly the right time? Before I met her, she was a loose cannon, a wreck-head, a liability. And now, she has resorted to type. For the first time in the last year, I think I'm beginning to thrive. I have the world at my feet, I have all the tools I need to do everything and anything I want. I've never felt more wanted or attractive, even when Annie and I were together. I get alot of interest from women and I feel good about myself. My savings are going better than I could have ever imagined and I have plans. I HAVE MY OWN PLANS! My life plans have never consisted of anything more than 'Get Married', 'Get a half-decent job', 'Have a family'. I have thrown myself in the deep end at work, taking every single opportunity available. System Testing? I'll take a stab at it. Overtime on a Sunday? Of course. 2 more CII exams by the end of the year? Hell yeah! I'm even doing Broker and Underwriter visits, which I HATE. 

My life is travelling at a blistering pace at the moment and I've never felt so energised or invigorated. The gym is awesome. I am finally making the gains I wanted to make this time last year, and the sprinting is fun and rewarding. 

I've changed alot over the last year. Subtle changes, but I feel like a new person. I've got alot closer to my family and, in particular, my Brother Aaron. He's my only older Brother, and he got back from a 6-month tour of Afghanistan with the Army. He's an inspiration to me, and a bloody hero and we are closer than ever which is pretty darn awesome. 

I'm still a soppy hopeless romantic who amazingly still believes in true love, despite what happened with Annie. (Cheers for that gene, Dad!). I still get butterflies and I know full well that I WILL fall in Love again. I hope it's not before my travels. Maybe it will be on my travels. Which brings me to my next point...

Something odd has happened. I am finding myself increasingly attracted to foreign women. Black, Asian, Eastern-European, you name it. Yeah. That's my strange development of the month. Hello cute Asian girl jogging. Wait, WHAT?!

A bit of diversity can't be bad, can it?

"How can you love 'Valentine's Day' but hate 'Love Actually'?" they ask me. I don't flipping know. I just hate 'Love Actually'. I've watched it one and a half times and I can never get that time back! 

Ella has been a tad distant. Maybe I'm just being a tad ridiculous. She has had exams etc. but I love our little Skype sessions. It's always nice to have someone to talk to and she's brilliant at it; she always cheers me up. 

Anyhow, this post has pretty much been a disjointed mess. I'll end on a high note. Today I stumbled across a post on the Gapyear.com forums discussing people who doubted you. When you said you wanted to travel and that you were going to work in Australia, or you were going to save £10,000 and move away, there were always people trying to knock you down. I guess it applies to anything good in life. Maybe it's jealousy. But one poster made my day with this: 

"Just SNIP. Smile, nod, ignore, proceed". 

Love it. 

To end on a song, because quite frankly, music is bloody awesome and the thought that perhaps someone reading this will listen to this song and fall in love with it, well, that's pretty great if you ask me. I love to sing along to this song, and it always makes me smile. I hope you like it too, and I hope you all have a wonderful week.

"It's your flawless soul that bleeds my stone"

Luke

Smile

Don't you just love it when you find a song and instantly fall in love with it?

Luke

Optimism

It struck me today that my blog posts are never particularly positive. I wouldn't say they are overly negative, but I guess when things are going well, you don't have time to write about them. When things are not going so well, you feel like you could write for England.

I've always been a very positive person. People always see me as an optimist; they expect me to always walk into the office with a smile on my face and a tune in head. And I do. I've always got time for people and the glass is nearly always half full. So time for an overly positive post. I'm feeling good today. No. I'm feeling GREAT today. Lists are good.


Reasons Why I'm Chuffed

1. I just watched Cops. Hilarious.
2. In a year's time, I'll be leaving for Thailand. Beautiful, beautiful Thailand.
3. Liverpool BATTERED Fulham last night. Rampant. King Kenny makes me chuffed. 
4. I DEFINITELY have some serious cravings for some Ella. 
5. I DEFINITELY DO NOT have some serious cravings for some Annie. 
6. I am eating like a trojan horse, and I am gaining. Awesome.
7. 4 weeks until Magaluf. 4 weeks until glorious sunshine, great cocktails and gorgeous women. 
8. Aaron is back home and safe from Afghanistan. YES.
9. New season of One Tree Hill should be starting on E4 in the new few weeks.
10. I remembered I love Autumn Reeser.
11. I discovered Susan Coffey. 
12. I fell in love with Susan Coffey.
13. I realised that there are other people out there with unhealthy obsessions with One Tree Hill and The OC. 
14. I discovered All American Rejects - Another Heart Calls. And it makes me smile every time I hear it. 
15. And finally, I'm chuffed because life is fucking beautiful.

After my workout, I stood and looked out the loft window. The sun was setting and the skies were clear as anything, and it just made me realise that life is amazing. It was a kind of 'American Beauty' moment in essence; I realised how amazingly beautiful the world was and how lucky we all are to be living right here, right now, and to have health and happiness. Totally bloody cliche, I know. The point is, I love my life. Sure, alot of the time I'm ranting, but that's because I want my life to be even better, and I want to try and plug every single little gap in my life (Michael Scott - "That's what she said"). That's not to say I don't have a fantastic life right now.

I'm just greedy ;)

“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

Escape

I'm running away from 9 to 5, Monday to Friday. I'm running away from monotony. I don't want to spend the rest of my life sitting at a desk, processing Insurance Claims. I'm bored. 

I'm running away from friends who don't know what 'trust' means. Friends who don't know what 'loyalty' and 'respect' are. Friends who are content with living the same weekend every weekend. I'm running away from all the so-called 'friends' who haven't had my back over the last year. The people I can't ring when I'm down or in need of some advice. I'm running away from people who want to squash their minds into a small box and resent me for not doing the same. 

I'm running away from a failed 4-year relationship which sapped every last ounce of energy from me. An ex-fiancé who is still completely dependent on me. I'm running away from the stories I hear. Of her passing out in clubs. Of her hooking up with random people. Of her hooking up with my 'friends'. Annie and all the memories, the house, the haunts and the mutual friends. 

I'm running away from Medway. There is absolutely nothing left for me here. The miserable, boring people that seem to populate the Medway Towns, and the ludicrous British weather. 

I'm not quite sure what I'm running towards, or even where. But I know it will be far more exciting and fulfilling than what I have at present. I'm running towards finding my way and finding myself. In the same way I am running away from spineless and untrustworthy 'friends' and crazy ex-girlfriends, I am running towards one of the few people who have been there for me. I'm running towards Ella. And I'm running towards meeting new people, from all walks of life, with all sorts of different backgrounds and stories who, like me, just want to enjoy the brief fleeting existence we call life. Because if you're not happy, you're just not living. 

I'm running towards brighter days. 

'The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun'. 

Chris McCandless.

Fun

I've been thinking about travelling alot recently. Well, more not travelling. I'm going. At least, I think there's only one thing that could stop me leaving. Annie and I were discussing this. She says that no matter what, she is leaving. In reality, I can't say I'm 100% going. I know that, should I meet someone tomorrow and fall head over heels in love, I know I won't go. 

I've felt recently that I'm ready. I'm ready to fall in love. It feels like it's just around the corner, which I appreciate sounds ridiculous. How do you know when you're going to meet that person? You don't. It meets you. But as each girl comes and goes, I get that little bit more excited. That little bit more attracted. I push her away a little less. A year ago, I had had enough. Women were the bane of my existence. And it's taken me this long to be content with being on my own and being self-sufficient, but now I'm beginning to think that I could start dating. There's alot of hunger in me. I have complete closure over Annie. It didn't just click like I expected, rather, it just fizzled. There's nothing attracting me to her anymore. In fact, I would go on record and say she is everything I don't want in a girl right now: She is a complete mess. Rude, self-centred, ignorant, miserable and lost. 

And I'm done with blondes. I think. Maybe.

The truth is, this time next year, there's only one thing that would beat sitting on that beach on Phi Phi. And that's being head-over-heels in love with somebody. 

I don't want to fall in love again. 

But I do. 

Regardless, the title of this post is 'Fun'. And I am 5 weeks and 2 days away from a week of absolute unadulterated and unbridled fun. Sun, Sea, Sand and BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. Hey, I'm a single man, shoot me ;)

And people always ask about you
And people always want to talk about you.

Luke

Angst

This morning was torture. My anxiety was really bad, and my chest was so tight. There were times at work I thought I might pass out. The office was empty, so that wouldn't have been too great! My sleep deficit must be huge, and these power naps are becoming full on sleeps. I'm thinking of going to see the Doc for some help on the anxiety, although the thought of medication does not appeal to me. I guess it's probably better than having a heart attack though. Hmmm...

I text Laura this afternoon, ignoring Barney Stinson's teachings (96-hour wait). Perhaps I should have followed the Bro Code more stringently. She hasn't text back yet. So either I'm a fool for texting, or she's playing a game. I suspect the former.

"Man the fuck up Luke".

I've felt stressed all day, and I'm just looking forward to getting a full night's sleep tonight. I think I deserve it. 58 hours of Overtime throughout April, and already 8 hours in May. My life is a million miles an hour at the moment, and I've had very little time to just put my feet up and do nothing. I need a duvet day big time.

I guess there's only one thing to do when feel angsty and stressed. The only sure-fire way to send me off to sleep in the best mood possible:

Luke

Laura

So there were two of them last night. The tall leggy blonde sitting on the podium, and the cute brunette in the funky dress. I think it's a man's right to scope out the so-called 'talent' when walking into a club, and these were the two I had my eye on. As the night wore on, I noticed that, despite being absolutely gorgeous, the leggy blonde was not throwing down any crazy shapes on the dancefloor or lining up the shots by the bar, whereas the brunette had all the moves and looked like she was having a great time. "Dibs on the one in the middle" I said to Martin. Being the exemplary wingman that he is (and I cannot value that enough, really!), he stepped aside. I knew she had given me the look at least once or twice. Why didn't I just go over to her and ask her for a dance?

I'll tell you why. Not enough alcohol. See, I've always been a massive worrier. I worry about the smallest little things, even things I can't do anything about. I can't even watch Sean's space programs, the enormity of the universe creeps me out. I'm not a quivering wreck by any means, but without liquid courage I find it very difficult approaching good-looking girls and speaking to them. What makes me any different to all the other guys? What if she turns me down right there and then, in front of everyone? How embarrassing. The only time I ever make a move on a girl is if I am 100% certain I won't get rejected. Alcohol is a social lubricant; sometimes I wonder how different my love-life would be without it.

And then the strangest thing happened. Her friend came up to me and starting chatting with me, and then told me that her mate thought I was gorgeous. I didn't know whether to be flattered or embarrassed. So I went over and chatted, bought her a drink (note to self: vodka lemonade and lime) and had a dance. By the end of the night, I left one snog and one phone number better off.

I guess I'm a tad confused. Girls never make a move, do they? That's always been the guy's prerogative. It was odd, but ultimately refreshing. The guy makes the move, the guy asks the girl out, the guy pays for the first date, and the guy organises the date. It's unwritten law. That's alot of pressure you're putting us under!

She likes me. At least, she did last night. I asked her if she wanted to take my number, and maybe give me a call sometime and we'll go out for a drink or something (I find it's always best to give her your number and leave the ball in her court). Immediately, she rung me there and then so I had her number. Shifting responsibilities onto me? Checking I hadn't given her the wrong number? Or just being polite and keen?

It's almost 24 hours now, and I haven't text her. Bro Code stipulates a 96-hour wait, but I'm not sure I can hold out that long. How many times in the average lifetime do you think you hook-up with a girl and get excited about her, only to find you have absolutely nothing in common and no spark? Considering I've only ever had 2 meaningful relationships (albeit one mammoth one) I'd say my ratio isn't too great. Why would this girl be any different?

Never let the fear of striking out stop you from playing the game. That's what Hilary Duff taught me in 'Cinderella Story'. Guess if you didn't get your hopes up about anyone, you'll never find the one. It's a nice feeling to know that despite the fact you've had an ex-fiancé tear out your heart and run over it with a metaphorical truck, there's still fire in there. There's life in this old dog yet. And there's probably some Black Sambuca in there aswell.

Diva Fever were predictably great for all the wrong reasons, and the photos are fantastic. They seemed like nice guys, but no they were no Aiden Grimshaw.

It was a great night out, and the hangover was better than recent weeks. In bed at around 04:30am, and then up at 08:30am for the gym. Absolute trooper. Alka-Seltzer is the greatest thing in the world.

Luke