This was me this afternoon...
NEW TOY!
Celebratory Chandler Bing dance followed. Hilarity ensued.
Ahhhh I love new gadgets. Let's get Blogging!
So I just wanted to make something clear. I love reading people's blogs. Really I do. There are some really talented writers and photographers out there and I feel inspired when I see/read a great post. I'm no writer, I can't compete with most Bloggers. This is my diary. I'm not writing this because I think I can write, or because I aspire to be a writer. I call it straight down the middle, and I tell it exactly how it is. I'm writing this blog for me, to help me deconstruct my thoughts and to make sense of the rollercoaster that is my life. This is a completely uncensored snapshot of my life and I'm not pulling any punches, so just a warning. if you're offended by talk of women, sex and drugs, this is not the place to be.
So last night I finally told Annie I was going to Boston to see Ella. Whoa. She did not take it well at all. She stormed out and I have not heard from her since. Bad times. But hey, it's done now. Just like ripping off a plaster. I hate upsetting people but she would have found out one way or another. I'm hoping she comes round soon and realises that she no longer has any say in what I can or can't do. I feel like it's a weight off my chest, although now there's this horrible storm cloud hovering over us, so hopefully we can patch that up soon.
Last night, Annie mentioned in semi-jest that I need a fuck-buddy. The concept of having a friend with 'benefits' is, in theory, perfect for me. No commitments, no expenditure, and a chance to relieve some stress. In reality, and in my experience, it just doesn't work. You see, here is where I think I am different to 95% of the British Public. I cannot bring myself to kicking a girl out of bed. Regardless of who is round, I always offer them a brew, or I cook them breakfast in the morning. And after sex, I always like to lie there and chat. I can't help it. I guess being in a relationship for 4 years definitely changes you amd you get used to doing 'coupley' things. Sean on the other hand has absolutely no remorse and will happily kick a girl out of bed at 4am after the deed is done. He won't even walk her to her car.
The girls I sleep with generally get too attached. Take Emma for instance. Lovely Emma. She was my rebound after I broke up with Annie and within 2 weeks of seeing each other, she was declaring her undying love for me. Looking back at it, I definitely treated her much more like a girlfriend (like I had treated Annie) than a fuck-buddy. Playfighting, cooking dinner, baking cakes, going for long walks and copious amounts of cuddles. I guess despite being 23 and a half years old, I still can't master this 'being single' malarchy. It's like I am engineered to think and act like a boyfriend. It's all I know. Sometimes I wish I could just be like everyone else round here and sleep around without a care in the world. Or hook up with a girl and then not reply to her texts. Or sleep with someone and then have no qualms about later sleeping with one of her friends.
I'm just being myself though. I guess my parents raised me to have ridiculous strong morals. I've only ever slept with a girl and not text or rung her the next day once, and that's because I was stoned, drunk and at University, as was she. To this day, I have no idea what her name was. Apart from that, I have been raised to be a romantic fuck. Flowers, chocolates, songs, all that rubbish.
Startling Realisation of the Week
Maybe I need to find myself a fuck-buddy.
So I think one of my major problems right now is a lack of self-confidence with regards to the opposite sex. I don't think the anxiety thing has helped at all. I really don't like the way I look and I don't feel comfortable enough to go out and talk to girls. I was watching an episode of The Glee Project yesterday (I do not hide the fact that I watch awful awful TV) and they were given the task of writing a word on their boards which they then had to wear around a busy shopping centre. The word had to represent what they were most insecure about. We had 'anorexic', 'fat', 'used' and 'numb' amongst others. It got me thinking, what would my word have been? Let's brainstorm:
'Numb' - I feel pretty numb. I feel like my past relationship sapped every last bit of energy out of me. It's hard to get motivated to do all of that again.
'Inferior' - I can't help but think "Why would that girl go for me when that guy over there is much better looking?". I am my own worst critic. I don't think I'm bad looking but then again, I don't think I'm a catch. Pulling a girl in a club is usually about looks, so I have to rely on making her laugh or being sweet, which is difficult when I'm lacking self-confidence.
'Different' - I feel like I don't really fit in. As I said above, I'm not only after sex, I'm not going to drink Stella and get into fights and I'm not going to wear Lyle and Scott polo shirts.
'Afro' - Because I have the most unmanageable afro hair in the world. It is my curse and the bane of my existence. Fact.
I guess this all boils down to a lack of self-confidence, and I need to try and boost this. I need to get on a hot streak.
Best Thing To Happen To Me This Week:
Yep, my ticker. It's been great this week. Hardly any palpitations and the breathlessness seems to be going away. I'm feeling flipping awesome and I'm looking forward to an intense gym session this weekend with Papa and Martin.
I'd really like to go to a Roller Disco. There's definitely not enough of them around these days.
So despite the ramblings above, I'm actually in a great mood this evening. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house/office and throwing down some crazy shapes on the dancefloor tomorrow night. I guess I just sometimes feel like everyone has somebody except me. Chris has Katie. Sean has Sarah. Si has Laura/Rach/Claire. Brad has Helen. Martin has Cheryl. Mark has Carlie. Fuck. There is an appalling lack of wingmen right now. But then again, none of them can say they have been in a four-year engagement. It's tough getting back in the game after that, and this is the longest I've ever been single since I was 13.
So I should wrap this up. I wanted to end on a song which has really grown on me this week. Hmm... let's think up an imaginative intro...
This Week's Most Stupendously Awesome Song That Helped Get Me Through A Week Of Monotonous Insurance Work
Luke
Also, if somebody could let me know when I should use capital letters for titles, I'd really appreciate it. This has caused me many a sleepless night. To my knowledge, you don't use a capital if its a little word, like 'a', 'of' or 'the'. But then again, I may have just made that up. I noticed the name of my Blog is 'I Swim For Brighter Days'. Should the 'For' be 'for'? No wonder I haven't become a glorified legendary Blogger yet, I can't even get my title right!
