Some say I'm burning the candle at both ends.

So this is 2012? As I sit here in the office on a Bank Holiday Monday morning, once again up at stupid o’clock, with just one other person insane/desperate enough to work overtime today, I must say 2012 feels an awful lot like 2011.

Except this year is going to be my year. Not because I think it will be, or because I’m due a good year. No. This is going to be my year because I’m going to bloody well make it my year. I have 9 months until I leave for my travels and in those 9 months I am going to be working like a little bitch to get as much saved as possible. I'm also going to go out, party hard, dance to dubstep (despite harboring an irrational hatred towards it), get smashed, sleep with random women and wake up with some of the most disgusting hangovers known to man. Some say I'm burning the candle at both ends. To those people I say: "Fuck you". Politely, of course.

So as expected, I have a plethora of crazy, exciting ideas for my travels, and trying to fit them into one solid itinerary isn’t easy. Over the next few weeks or so, Martin and I need to decide where we want to go and in what route. I’ve ordered a giant World Map poster for my bedroom wall, and I have this great vision in my head of this poster being covered with post-its and pins and looking proper beastly, although in reality I tend to fail dismally with anything arts and crafts-related. The infamous flowerpot painting of ’08 springs to mind.

New Year’s Eve was… different. What a great time for a club to have a powercut. The music in the main room cut out at 1am and didn't come back on until around 3am, but by that time the only people left in the club were the stupidly drunk and the embarrassingly desperate. I was still there.

It was good to see Peppa though. She looked absolutely gorgeous, better than she’s ever looked. For a moment, I wondered whether I made the right choice by not dating her, but I guess you need some sort of spark and we never had that. But it did lead me to realise that every girl I date gets substantially better looking when we stop seeing each other? That's not fair. I'm looking at you Sarah. What the fuck. Where did those breasts come from? 


So I’ve had some time to mull over my resolutions for 2012 and I think I’ve got a pretty good list coming along.

Stop smoking

I hate this because it is purely for financial reasons. I bloody love smoking and I shall miss my lovely little white cancer-sticks.

Pass my driving test

Because guys who drive are hotter than guys who walk.

Complete my Cert CII and TEFL courses

Get as qualified as possible before I pack up and leave town... just in case.

Learn the art of sealing the deal

The ongoing joke that I am unable to ‘seal the deal’; In short I get a girl home and get her into bed and for one reason or another do not have sex with them, be it overly-drunk, refusal to depart with virginity or wrong time of the month. This affectionately led me to inherit the nickname ‘Captain Cuddles’. So 2012 is the year I get the job done. 

Find a new haircut

Which will more than likely mean ‘Shave head in the hope I look more badass’.

Get out of the UK

Because everyone knows this country is going down the shitter and who doesn't love a chick with an accent.



That should do nicely for now. I may add more as the week goes on, but right now, I just can't take my mind off that god-awful smell in the kitchen. Filth. I hope you all had lovely New Years celebrations and the 50 or so photos you were tagged in the following morning were considerably better than mine. 'Photogenic' is not a word I would use to describe myself.


Much love, 
Luke

Plaster

This was me this afternoon...

NEW TOY!

Celebratory Chandler Bing dance followed. Hilarity ensued. 

Ahhhh I love new gadgets. Let's get Blogging!

So I just wanted to make something clear. I love reading people's blogs. Really I do. There are some really talented writers and photographers out there and I feel inspired when I see/read a great post. I'm no writer, I can't compete with most Bloggers. This is my diary. I'm not writing this because I think I can write, or because I aspire to be a writer. I call it straight down the middle, and I tell it exactly how it is. I'm writing this blog for me, to help me deconstruct my thoughts and to make sense of the rollercoaster that is my life. This is a completely uncensored snapshot of my life and I'm not pulling any punches, so just a warning. if you're offended by talk of women, sex and drugs, this is not the place to be.

So last night I finally told Annie I was going to Boston to see Ella. Whoa. She did not take it well at all. She stormed out and I have not heard from her since. Bad times. But hey, it's done now. Just like ripping off a plaster. I hate upsetting people but she would have found out one way or another. I'm hoping she comes round soon and realises that she no longer has any say in what I can or can't do. I feel like it's a weight off my chest, although now there's this horrible storm cloud hovering over us, so hopefully we can patch that up soon. 

Last night, Annie mentioned in semi-jest that I need a fuck-buddy. The concept of having a friend with 'benefits' is, in theory, perfect for me. No commitments, no expenditure, and a chance to relieve some stress. In reality, and in my experience, it just doesn't work. You see, here is where I think I am different to 95% of the British Public. I cannot bring myself to kicking a girl out of bed. Regardless of who is round, I always offer them a brew, or I cook them breakfast in the morning. And after sex, I always like to lie there and chat. I can't help it. I guess being in a relationship for 4 years definitely changes you amd you get used to doing 'coupley' things. Sean on the other hand has absolutely no remorse and will happily kick a girl out of bed at 4am after the deed is done. He won't even walk her to her car.

The girls I sleep with generally get too attached. Take Emma for instance. Lovely Emma. She was my rebound after I broke up with Annie and within 2 weeks of seeing each other, she was declaring her undying love for me. Looking back at it, I definitely treated her much more like a girlfriend (like I had treated Annie) than a fuck-buddy. Playfighting, cooking dinner, baking cakes, going for long walks and copious amounts of cuddles. I guess despite being 23 and a half years old, I still can't master this 'being single' malarchy. It's like I am engineered to think and act like a boyfriend. It's all I know. Sometimes I wish I could just be like everyone else round here and sleep around without a care in the world. Or hook up with a girl and then not reply to her texts. Or sleep with someone and then have no qualms about later sleeping with one of her friends.

I'm just being myself though. I guess my parents raised me to have ridiculous strong morals. I've only ever slept with a girl and not text or rung her the next day once, and that's because I was stoned, drunk and at University, as was she. To this day, I have no idea what her name was. Apart from that, I have been raised to be a romantic fuck. Flowers, chocolates, songs, all that rubbish. 

Startling Realisation of the Week

Maybe I need to find myself a fuck-buddy.

So I think one of my major problems right now is a lack of self-confidence with regards to the opposite sex. I don't think the anxiety thing has helped at all. I really don't like the way I look and I don't feel comfortable enough to go out and talk to girls. I was watching an episode of The Glee Project yesterday (I do not hide the fact that I watch awful awful TV) and they were given the task of writing a word on their boards which they then had to wear around a busy shopping centre. The word had to represent what they were most insecure about. We had 'anorexic', 'fat', 'used' and 'numb' amongst others. It got me thinking, what would my word have been? Let's brainstorm:

'Numb' - I feel pretty numb. I feel like my past relationship sapped every last bit of energy out of me. It's hard to get motivated to do all of that again.

'Inferior' - I can't help but think "Why would that girl go for me when that guy over there is much better looking?". I am my own worst critic. I don't think I'm bad looking but then again, I don't think I'm a catch. Pulling a girl in a club is usually about looks, so I have to rely on making her laugh or being sweet, which is difficult when I'm lacking self-confidence.

'Different' - I feel like I don't really fit in. As I said above, I'm not only after sex, I'm not going to drink Stella and get into fights and I'm not going to wear Lyle and Scott polo shirts.

'Afro' - Because I have the most unmanageable afro hair in the world. It is my curse and the bane of my existence. Fact.

I guess this all boils down to a lack of self-confidence, and I need to try and boost this. I need to get on a hot streak.

Best Thing To Happen To Me This Week:

Yep, my ticker. It's been great this week. Hardly any palpitations and the breathlessness seems to be going away. I'm feeling flipping awesome and I'm looking forward to an intense gym session this weekend with Papa and Martin.

I'd really like to go to a Roller Disco. There's definitely not enough of them around these days.

So despite the ramblings above, I'm actually in a great mood this evening. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house/office and throwing down some crazy shapes on the dancefloor tomorrow night. I guess I just sometimes feel like everyone has somebody except me. Chris has Katie. Sean has Sarah. Si has Laura/Rach/Claire. Brad has Helen. Martin has Cheryl. Mark has Carlie. Fuck. There is an appalling lack of wingmen right now. But then again, none of them can say they have been in a four-year engagement. It's tough  getting back in the game after that, and this is the longest I've ever been single since I was 13. 

So I should wrap this up. I wanted to end on a song which has really grown on me this week. Hmm... let's think up an imaginative intro...

This Week's Most Stupendously Awesome Song That Helped Get Me Through A Week Of Monotonous Insurance Work

Luke

Also, if somebody could let me know when I should use capital letters for titles, I'd really appreciate it. This has caused me many a sleepless night. To my knowledge, you don't use a capital if its a little word, like 'a', 'of' or 'the'. But then again, I may have just made that up. I noticed the name of my Blog is 'I Swim For Brighter Days'. Should the 'For' be 'for'? No wonder I haven't become a glorified legendary Blogger yet, I can't even get my title right!

Buzzing

HEY! It's not all negative!

Yesterday I amazed even myself. I smiled, I nodded, I ignored and I proceeded. SNIP. Under unimaginable frustration. Let me explain.

--- RANT BEGINS HERE ---

My housemate is a domestic nightmare. Or maybe I am just a domestic Goddess. Regardless, last week I specifically asked Sean to make sure he was free on Tuesday the 26th as the landlord was coming round to fix the cupboard in the kitchen and I couldn't be in as it was my Brother's Birthday. At midday, he emailed me asking what time the landlord was due, as his mates were going to the cinema that evening and he wanted to join them. I told him the earliest I could possibly be back would be 7pm, so he just needed to watch the house from 6 til 7 and then he could go. This meant I had less than an hour round my parents for my younger Brother's Birthday. But hey. SNIP.

I got home at 7pm to find Sean in the living room with Chris and Si, just waiting there for me to get back. The landlord was on his own in the kitchen. Did anyone not ever teach Sean to offer guests a cup of tea? How about friendly small talk? ESPECIALLY the friggin' Landlord. But hey. SNIP.

After around three hours of hard grafting and some serious bonding, the Landlord and I were all done in the kitchen. I cleaned, I put the dishwasher on, I swept the floors and took out the rubbish. Sean got in from the cinema and sat on the sofa on his laptop. He also completely ruined the perfectly placed cushions on the sofa. THEY ARE PURELY DECORATIVE, they are not for sitting on! But hey. SNIP.

So I get up this morning to find that not only has Sean NOT emptied the pedal bin in the bathroom full of empty contact lens packets, but he has now started putting the empty packets ON TOP of the bin. But hey. SNIP.

--- RANT ENDS HERE ---

A year ago, I would have said something to him for any of the above instances. But with just ten months until I leave him to fend for himself, I really don't care. Ten months and I will be out of here and he will never find a more dedicated, knowledgeable housemate than me. I spent half an hour chatting with my Mum about travelling last night, and I also found out my company has offices in Adelaide, Sydney and Melbourne which makes significantly improves my prospects of getting a decent job in the Insurance field in Australia. I'm in the kind of mood right now that I really couldn't care who does what or what happens over the next ten months. I am literally wishing them away; I want next Summer to come around so quickly!

I like to use the word 'Buzzing'. Vickie, one of my housemates at University in Liverpool used to use this word all the time; it's not something we use alot in the South East. I wonder how Vickie is getting on. She was the kind of girl who I would not fuck with. In a fight, you would want her on your side, that's for sure!

My Top 5 Favourite Things Right Now:

5 - The fixed kitchen cupboard. And it's clean!
4 - The fact my hair is growing at record speeds.
3 - Ella coming home from Brasil earlier than expected.
2 - My new Underwear - Greatest. Fit. Ever.
1 - WWE Wrestling.

Yes, wrestling is numero uno right now. I have always been a huge wrestling fan, having watched WCW from 1996 until closure, and then WWF/E onwards, and I will go on record to say that I have not enjoyed watching wrestling this much since 1999. To put it bluntly, right now, WWE is shit hot.

I am looking forward to watching Beaver Falls tonight on E4. Three British lads on a Summer Camp in the USA; it sounds like the perfect show. I can see it being American Pie meets 90210. It's always nice to have new shows on TV.

My Top Favourite People Right Now:

5 - Anna, the bakery girl. Because bread products are my joint-favourite type of food along with dairy. I hope she comes home smelling of freshly baked bread. That's the greatest smell in the world.
4 - Diana and Julia, who I like to call my Charlie's Angels. Except I'm not Charlie. Pfft. Technicalities. I love all my Comments I get on my posts, so thank you so much!
3 - Martin - Because he is my fellow muscle-head, my best mate, my Broski and the only person who will embrace the fact that the gay bar is in fact crawling with beautiful single straight women and the pints are the best in town.
2 - Pixie Lott - Have you seen her new video? Wow. I would eat a whole coconut to spend a night with her. And my God I HATE coconut. I'd even drink the milk inside. Of the coconut.
1 - CM Punk - Single-handedly rekindled my love affair with Wrestling. An absolute hero right now.


"Imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know, it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you?"
Am I allowed to say David Hasselhoff?

I don't know who she is. I mean, I can imagine who I want her to be (Pixie Lott), how she acts (slightly loopy, nymphomaniac), what she looks like (short blonde hair, cute grin, size 10), how she speaks (South African), but to borrrow a line from the charismatic enigma that is Michael Buble, "I just haven't met you yet". I've never met a blonde South African. Do they exist?

Do black Chinese people exist for that matter?

I am optimistic that I will have my laptop back by the weekend, which means my formatting, spelling and use of super cool images in my blog will be back to the exceptionally high standards that I set in... well... never. But pictures are fun. I'm working an 8-hour overtime shift on Saturday followed by 3 hours system testing on Sunday, which I believe will take my overtime total for July to 38 hours of double-time. That's 22 hours more than I need to do. I think I have an addiction to overtime.

"Hi, my name's Luke and I am a Workoholic".

"HI LUKE!!"

I guess it keeps me off the beer and puts money in the pockets. In the last year I have given up smoking, caffeine, dubstep and, apparently, sex, so I guess something had to give.


Luke

Ambition

S.N.I.P.

Smile. Nod. Ignore. Proceed.

An acronym I've used before in this blog, and something I have been using all too much recently. It's come to the point now that I pretty much live my life according to the Snip religion. Why is it there are so many ignorant, miserable and self-centred people here? People who's sole purpose in life appears to be working in a call centre and belittling people, both inside and outside work. People who would rather resent you for having dreams and ambitions than sort out their own monotonous shallow life.

Of course, smiling, nodding, ignoring and proceeding is probably detrimental to my anxiety. I bottle everything up because I know I only have to put up with these people for another 9 months. I appreciate I'm going to find assholes wherever I go, but the sheer volume of them here is just obscene. Again, I go back to a point I've previously made: people in Medway are completely content with squashing their lives into a tiny box, and then they resent you for not doing the same.

My anxiety has been rough the last week. What if this doesn't clear up by the time I leave? Can I realistically travel with this? Right now I can barely hold a conversation. Breathing is hard enough, and trying to sleep is torture. I must have woke up ten times throughout the night last night. 

I really need to get into 'naked butler' shape in time for Boston. It's very difficult to get motivated right now when you're worried you could have a panic attack at any minute, but I'm still squeezing in 3 to 4 sessions a week, albeit less strenuous and thorough.

--- Next Day --- 

I've just found out my laptop will be sidelined until at least Friday. Fuck. I hate blogging on my phone.

I went to see the doctor today. My usual guy wasn't in and I had this completely useless numpty who didn't seem to understand that I had had next to no sleep in 48 hours and that I could barely breathe. So no progress.

If this truly is anxiety and the Echocardiogram thingy comes out fine, then I'm determined not to let this beat me. I WILL go travelling. If I'm stressed then I'll find a way to unwind. Some people recommend yoga. I've tried copious amounts of alcohol and fags, and I can categorically say that they do not work. Maybe I should start a new hobby. Maybe I should start sleeping around abit; I don't think anyone can argue that that's a pretty bloody awesome stress relief. Maybe I'll start playing whale music throughout the house, or panpipes...

I'll beat this thing. Thailand is calling. Australia is calling. America is bloody well screaming. Time to look old Mr Anxiety Disorder in the eyes and say "Get the fuck out of my face". Does he not know who the fuck I am?! 

Luke

Empty

That's what I'm running on.

Well, that and ALOT of caffeine.

I've just treated myself to a Tesco Value Cheese pizza, and Tesco Value garlic bread. Yes, treated. I also bought a pack of 10 menthol cigarettes. I know I gave up on New Years, but I've been smoking socially recently and I know I can go without cigarettes. But I want one. I'm doing my wonderful 11-hour shifts at work again this week, along with 8 hours on Saturday morning. So by the end of this week, I would have already worked 34 hours of double-time in April. I'm pretty sure I'm heading for some sort of psychological meltdown, at least that's what Ben says. I'm not, I'm just determined to get as much cash saved as possible. It's not like I have much else to do in the evenings! FIFA, Annie, and planning travelling.

I think I deserve a cigarette. Don't you? It's cheaper than a beer, so why is it less socially acceptable than a beer?

I was thinking today whether I actually have it in me to go travelling on my own. I think I have. But I know as it gets closer and closer I'll become more worried and restless. I'm thinking of this as challenging myself. I'm going out of my comfort zone, and I think if I can do this, I'll be better off because of it. I'm going to miss my parents and family loads though. I have the most awesome family in the world, and I'm going to be on the other side of the world, so it's going to be difficult, but I'm sure I'll make friends and get used to being on my own. I like to think I'm pretty independent and since the break-up, I've got used to keeping myself to myself. I'm not dating at all, I have no intention of dating. I'm quite happy on my own right now. Sex would be nice. Casual sex. In my experience, it's never just casual though. One person always wants more, which is a damn shame.

I've got it in me to do this. I know I have. I've got it in me to do anything.

A certain Lucas Scott once told me:

"There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads; afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments will define us for the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while people push onto something better. Something found just beyond the pain of going it alone, and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it's only when you're tested that you discover who you truly are. And it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work, faith and belief. And beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead."


I think I'll run with this :)




Luke