And he returns, tail firmly between his legs...

Oh Blog.

Oh how I have neglected you in another desperate strive for 'The One'. And here we are, over a month later, and I come crawling back to you, hoping you'll still be there for me to pick out all these thoughts and feelings that are swirling around in my head. I guess when life is going swimmingly, I don't have the time or the inspiration to blog; it's purely when things start taking a turn for the worse that I find myself needing to write.

I've now been seeing Emma for a couple of months now. We've been on a few proper dates and we've hung out around each other's houses. Today I'm feeling incredibly down, and I'm desperately trying to put my finger on why.


Maybe it's because for the first time since we've been seeing each other, last night, I felt like we made absolutely no progress. 


We just watched a couple of films. Which is fine. Just fine. I get that she's exhausted from the medication, but I feel that if I didn't kiss her, we would never kiss. My ideal girl kisses me and comes and snuggles up to me whilst watching Tangled, not the other way round. Great film by the way. Major crush on Rapunzel.


Maybe it's because I seem to have exhausted my repertoire of date ideas and I'm running low on ideas and inspiration, yet things seem to be going at a snail's pace. 


Before last night, I had been toying with the idea of asking her where things are going. I mean, things were going perfectly. I'd taken her to a really nice country pub for drinks, we had been to see her second favourite film at a special cinema showing, I'd bought us tickets to see Boyce Avenue, and then when she was in hospital, I brought her a huge bouquet of flowers and spent as much time with her as possible. I've never done anything like this. Sure, I'm a little old-school when it comes to dating but I expected things to go a little quicker and maybe, just maybe, expected her to act a little more interested.


Maybe it's because she's made up with her friend who seems intent on not making things work between us for reasons unknown. 


Fuck you, Megan. What's your problem? Until I started dating Emma, you thought I was a great guy, so why all the beef?


Or maybe, it's because I'm doubting whether I can be the guy that Emma wants, and I'm ever-so-slightly doubting whether she can be the girl for me. 


I get that the guy is the one who makes most of the moves early on in a relationship. He asks the girl out, he arranges the dates, he pays for everything, he goes in for the kiss. That's cool, I get that. But at some point, the girl has to start coming out of her shell and reciprocating. I feel like less of a man by being the one who kisses her all the time and not the other way round.

But hey, I did just get spanked 6-2 on FIFA 12, so perhaps that is attributing to this melancholic mood.

I guess I need to find out whether she's serious about things. In my eyes, I have three options:

1. Keep doing what I'm doing. 
2. Pull away a little and see if she chases me. 
3. Ask her where things are going. 

And right now, all three seem to have their merits and drawbacks. The strange thing is, until last night, I was as happy as Larry. I was untouchable. But after last night, I just can't stop wondering "Is this actually going to lead to anything?". There's only so long you can go on dating, right?

Oh the lovely world of dating. Women - Can't live with them, can't live without them.

Luke

Empty

That's what I'm running on.

Well, that and ALOT of caffeine.

I've just treated myself to a Tesco Value Cheese pizza, and Tesco Value garlic bread. Yes, treated. I also bought a pack of 10 menthol cigarettes. I know I gave up on New Years, but I've been smoking socially recently and I know I can go without cigarettes. But I want one. I'm doing my wonderful 11-hour shifts at work again this week, along with 8 hours on Saturday morning. So by the end of this week, I would have already worked 34 hours of double-time in April. I'm pretty sure I'm heading for some sort of psychological meltdown, at least that's what Ben says. I'm not, I'm just determined to get as much cash saved as possible. It's not like I have much else to do in the evenings! FIFA, Annie, and planning travelling.

I think I deserve a cigarette. Don't you? It's cheaper than a beer, so why is it less socially acceptable than a beer?

I was thinking today whether I actually have it in me to go travelling on my own. I think I have. But I know as it gets closer and closer I'll become more worried and restless. I'm thinking of this as challenging myself. I'm going out of my comfort zone, and I think if I can do this, I'll be better off because of it. I'm going to miss my parents and family loads though. I have the most awesome family in the world, and I'm going to be on the other side of the world, so it's going to be difficult, but I'm sure I'll make friends and get used to being on my own. I like to think I'm pretty independent and since the break-up, I've got used to keeping myself to myself. I'm not dating at all, I have no intention of dating. I'm quite happy on my own right now. Sex would be nice. Casual sex. In my experience, it's never just casual though. One person always wants more, which is a damn shame.

I've got it in me to do this. I know I have. I've got it in me to do anything.

A certain Lucas Scott once told me:

"There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads; afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments will define us for the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while people push onto something better. Something found just beyond the pain of going it alone, and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it's only when you're tested that you discover who you truly are. And it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work, faith and belief. And beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead."


I think I'll run with this :)




Luke

Spring

Usually I'm pretty bummed about losing an hour sleep. But not today! I don't remember my last hangover-free Sunday, and if I'm being honest it has been absolutely bloody brilliant and I can see myself growing accustomed to it.

I've been pretty productive today, which makes a change! Nice to leave Wallow Central for a day and actually get things done. Annie and I had a really nice walk around town and she told me all about her plans for Australia in the new year. It's strange because the last week she has been really sweet and loving towards me. She has been checking up on me and calling every other day for the sake of calling. A part of me believed she was trying to win me back, but after today and the Australia revelation I think it's safe to say that won't be happening, which is probably for the best! I'll be honest, I really don't know what I would have done if Annie had said she wanted me back. My head would scream 'No' but my heart would always be drawing me to her and I've always been one to let my heart rule, which has perhaps got me in trouble in the past!

So that got me thinking even more about travelling. It's a scary coincidence that an hour or so before Annie told me about Australia, I was in the loft clearing out my wardrobes. Today I've been in the mindset again that the things I have in the house are exactly that: things. Stuff. Does any of it really matter? I don't want the fact I have sofas and clothes and bedside tables to stop me from travelling. I mean, 3 black sacks of old clothes that I never wear. Ridiculous. I've been walking round the house thinking to myself "Would I be bothered if I didn't have this or that?" and 95% of my possessions really do not matter. I have personal things, mainly Annie things which I want to keep, such as Prague Tram tickets, holiday tickets, photos etc. But I have my parents for some storage and I'm hoping that by the time I get back from my travelling, Leigh, Conor or even Bethany may have moved out so I could potentially have some back-up accommodation. 

Rocky IV is on. My evening is set. I love my life. 

"I MUST BREAK YOU".

Apart from travelling talk, I've had a great little FIFA session, I phoned Martin to check up on him after he was hit last night at Casinos. I hate that. Completely unprovoked. It could happen to anyone, and I guess I should count myself lucky I haven't been on the receiving end yet (Touch wood!). So yeah, I think I earned some Bro points on that. You have to look after your Wingman, and in return he will look after you. This is what happens when he goes out without me!

Anyhow, Rocky IV has finished now, which means it's time to return to Orange County. I'm hoping some day soon I'll have something interesting to write as opposed to just writing a diary. I'm thinking of starting to use my Blogger app on my phone more, and start posted shorter, more frequent blog posts when I have a spark of inspiration rather than just rambling at the end of the day when I'm typically running solely on caffeine. 

Oh and Aaron came back today. Bloody awesome. Time to stock up on whiskey :)

Luke