Change.

Change.

I think change tends to get a bad reputation, laced with negative connotations. Why change when the current works fine? That's exactly the kind of narrow-mindedness that litters today's heads. Things are alright, so there's no point evaluating it.

I tend to over-evaluate. When it comes to dating, I'm in the 'over-thinking' camp. Every text, every reply, every fleeting moment of eye contact, I am completely over-analytical. I can't do 'relaxed'. I suffer from a mild anxiety disorder that means I work myself up into a tizz and have become prone to palpitations and occasional panic attacks. Many people have a misguided view on what a panic attack is. For me, a panic attack is when my heartbeat begins to race uncontrollably, often beating irregularly and basically feeling like it might explode. I know it's not going to actually explode (can a heart actually explode?), but it's still massively uncomfortable and impossible to switch off. I've learned to cope(ish) with these over the last two years, but there's no denying that I'm a worrier.

So inevitably, change is a problem for me. It scares me. I worry what might happen if I lose everything I've worked so hard to acquire.

My Birthday is a little over a week away and I'm going to be 25, and boy do I feel old. In truth, I feel pretty much ancient. TWENTY FIVE. The more I think about it, the older it sounds. The last few months I've been thinking long and hard about my life, where it's been and where it's going. I've analysed everything, in trademark Luke Mitchell fashion. From my friends, my girlfriend, my career and my health, I feel like I've spent a million and one sleepless nights running over a catalogue of scenarios in my head. The last couple of months, I've distanced myself from people who I believe have a negative impact on my life, and I've tried to surround myself with people I trust, and people who trust me. I'll be honest, I gave my relationship a long hard look and asked myself "Is this what I really want?". The answer was yes. Grace is exactly what I want. The truth is she's the brightest part of my life and the person I trust the most. I couldn't possibly lose her.

Today I handed in my notice to the landlord to say that I wouldn't be renewing my contract of tenancy. In the next month or two, I'll be moving into a flat with my best friend. Today I also applied for a vacant job in the City, something I've toyed with doing for 3+ years. It's nerve-wracking, but it's exciting.

Change may scare the hell out of me, but in the past, change has ultimately always been positive. I'm hoping over the next year, as my life continues to evolve, change continues to be kind to me. Because I'm grabbing it by the balls and I'm making my life exactly what I want it to be. You only live once, but if you do it properly, once is enough.

Change is inevitable...

It's getting to that ominous time now. End of Summer. The evenings are (thankfully!) getting colder and the sun is setting earlier. But most importantly, it's only a week before Grace leaves for University.

To be honest, I'm pretty petrified about the whole thing.

You see, I'm actually proper in love. This girl is brilliant. She amazes me every single day and nobody else can make me laugh or smile as hard as she does, and I feel like the luckiest man alive, as sickening as that sounds. I just really really REALLY don't want things to change. Everything is perfect how it is. It's just perfect.

You see, when I was with Annie, she changed. The last six months she changed so much both physically and in the way she acted. The truth is, things were perfect with Annie until those last six months. We were engaged, we were living together, and we were the happiest people in the world. She's pretty unrecognisable from the girl I fell for those six years ago.

It took me around 2 years to move on from her and I've now been with Gracey for almost six months. I'm scared. I'm scared she's going to fall in with the wrong crowd and she's going to change. I'd hate to look back on this in years to come as a Summer romance. Sure, it's easy to say that if we truly love each other, we will make things work, but this doesn't hide from the fact that she's moving an hour's drive away to live with six other strangers. She's going to grow up so much. I just don't want her to.

I guess you know what they say, the only thing constant in the world is change.

In other news, I haven't been drunk in months. This is officially mid-life crisis mode. I would genuinely rather get up early on a Sunday morning and hit the gym rather than go out and drink on a Saturday night. What the fuck has happened to me? Surely only a matter of time before I'm sitting in my reclining armchair sipping English Tea and watching Songs of Praise.

I need some adventure. I did buy a hilarious Cookie Monster T-shirt yesterday though. 'Me Love Music' it says. So fetch.

Quickfire.

Storage Hunters. Storage Raiders. Pawn Stars. Gold Rush. Auction Kings.

This is why God invented the TV.

I hope you're all well!

Luke
x

I just sat there and absorbed every single lyric.

I've been listening to sad songs all morning. It's not reflective of my mood, I actually find sad songs strangely uplifting. I think it's the fact that the words are generally heartfelt and relatable. I love hearing someone absolutely sing their heart out, and sometimes it's nice to belt out a power ballad and pretend you're caught in the middle of a life-changing revelation. When Adele - 21 came out, the first time I listened to it I was in my living room, I had the curtains drawn, the lights off and I was lying upside down on my sofa. I just sat there and absorbed every single lyric, every single note, that album deserves that. It's the reason 'My Immortal', 'Konstantine' and 'Swim' are three of my favourite songs to listen to. There's a time and place for bouncy pop music, but this morning, as I sit here gazing out of the tinted office windows with the shocking realisation that this is the twenty-third day I have worked in the last twenty-four, I am definitely in a musically moody phase. Which means it was an absolute delight when this song popped up on my iPod.

Actually nearly cried. Like when One Tree Hill ended.

So hopefully I'll be attending three gigs over the next couple of months. There's something about live music which just makes me grin like a Cheshire cat, I love to hear my favourite artists and be surrounded by like-minded people. Firstly, Lights is returning to London for a show at the Electric Ballroom, Camden in September, and having already seen her at the start of the year, the thought of seeing and hearing her belt out 'Banner' once again fills me with glee. Second, at the start of October I'll be going to see Aiden Grimshaw perform at Scala in London. For those who don't know who Mr Grimshaw is, he is an exceptionally talented guy who was controversially eliminated from the UK X Factor a few years back, early on in the competition despite being one of the favourites. His cover of Gary Jules' 'Mad World' is haunting and well worth checking out. Finally, I'll be returning to Scala to see Tyler Hilton, aka Chris freakin' Keller. His new album 'Forget the Storm' is a brilliant mix of country and rock and I love the guy.

But first things first, this weekend is Devon with Grace. She gets her results next week, and depending on her grades she's either going to Canterbury (40 minutes drive away) or Northampton (HOURS away). Naturally I'm praying for the former; I know she will be absolutely devastated if she has to go to Northampton. For the sake of our relationship and her sanity, she NEEDS these grades. This is the first girl I have fallen for since Annie. She's just brilliant, fun, sweet, sexy, she's everything I ever wanted in a girl, but a long-distance relationship is going to be very difficult, even for the strongest of couples. If she end up in Northampton, I know we'll do everything we can to make things work but it is going to be so so tough.

So for the next 8 days, I am going to enjoy every second I spend with her. University changes people, which unfortunately is a bitch because I don't want her to change.

Majorly craving a cigarette :/

Until next time...

Luke 

x

I am a red-blooded male.

Quite often, I begin to write a blog entry at work whilst peering out the window admiring the sunshine and wondering why the sun never comes out when I'm out of the office. I quickly realise the answer: I'm never out of the office. Anyhow, I have four, five, maybe even six blog posts that are half-written that I've looked at at a later date and thought they were either overly creepy, depressing or downright whiney. I'm always cautious about coming across as a whiney git on here, not that I have anything to prove to my followers, but because the bottom line is that I am a red-blooded male in my early twenties who should not be writing a blog. We just don't. Blogs are for girls, right? They're the diary of the 21st Century and guys don't keep diaries.

Sometimes, when you get caught in a moment, at that point you're overflowing with emotion, be it anger, stress, confusion, infatuation. That tends to be when I start writing in this blog. And then a day later when I come back to the post, I find my circumstances have changed. Maybe I've just had a Caramac and it's completely taken care of that stress, or maybe I've just had a lovely date with Grace and I don't feel like having a rant about her anymore. Perhaps it's just better to post when you write it. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I'm not sure when you look back on it you can always truly remember how you feel.

Except heartbreak, of course. You won't forget that bitch in a long time.

So Grace should be off to Canterbury in September for University. She's concerned about moving away, leaving home, having to fend for herself etc, so naturally being the model boyfriend that I am I'm there to comfort her and tell her that she will be fine, when in reality, she can't even work out how to load my dishwasher. But this made me think about when I left for University all those 6 years ago. I tried to remember how I felt at the time.

Was I nervous? Not that I remember. Excited? I don't think I've ever been more excited.

I can't believe that at 18 years old, I was perfectly capable of travelling all the way up the country and living in a big City such as Liverpool all on my own, not knowing a single person that would be there. Not only that, but I was capable of meeting new friends, going grocery shopping, budgeting and finding the balance between study and cider. I did it and I did it all by myself.

It made me realise that every time I have made a huge decision in life, I have come out of it better off. Going to University, leaving University for a girl I barely knew, moving out, getting this job, buying Ellie (my car).

So there's this scene in The Dark Knight Rises...

 *SPOILER ALERT * 

...when Batman is banished to a pit, and he has to try and climb out of it, of which nobody has managed except Bane. The kicker was that by doing it without the rope, he was scared. He HAD to make that jump, he had no other choice. And he fucking made it. 

*END OF SPOILERS*

When I've been forced to do something, or when I've absolutely just HAD to make it, I have. Just like Batman. I could be Batman. Maybe I am Batman. 

Batman.

I can't help but feel like there's a big step in my life coming up. I've been sitting pretty for a good few years now and I can feel something needs to change.

---

So since I've had the car, I find myself going on long drives. Just listening to Jack's or Lights, cruising. Sometimes I feel like I could just drive all night. Just drive and not stop, do you ever do that? One of my ultimate goals in life is to drive across the US, from East to West, and just stop off every four or five hours in a different town for a beer and a bite to eat. I can imagine that would be such an amazing experience. 

I finish with some snaps from before Grace's prom. Fun night out, that was. 

Hope you're all well! 

Until next time... 

x

Time is moving far too quickly.

Since the holiday, all I've felt like doing is driving. Now I have my car, I tend to look for any opportunity to go for a drive. I love it. I love winding down the windows, driving as the sun is setting and playing Jack's Mannequin obnoxiously loud, as if to tell the passer-bys "Yes, this is proper music!". I'm spending so little time at the house these days, it barely feels like home. It almost feels like a graveyard. A metaphorical carcass that was Luke and Annie. Despite repainting, redecorating, rearranging and refurbishing, I still walk around and remember the past. From the shocking red paint on the archway leading to the kitchen, to the Welsh dresser, to the horrible brown bookcase which you used to keep in your bedroom, it's all memories. At times, it feels like I'm walking around plane wreckage, it's amazing how the place has fallen apart. Some say you never truly get over your first love. I don't believe that. But I do believe you'll never truly forget those feelings or those memories, however hard you try. 

So I woke up today feeling downright miserable. Empty. And I can't work out why. This feeling of melancholy has been getting stronger each day since the holiday. On paper, I have everything I could ever want: A good job, a nice car, money in the bank and a beautiful girlfriend. My anxiety has been alot better recently and, although still on the Propranolol, I feel like I'm learning to live with this. Those little flutters I get from time to time scare me less as each day goes by. So what's missing?

 

As much as it pains me to say it, as I'm genuinely a very positive and upbeat person, I can't help but feel that there's got to be more to life than what I'm doing right now. I've been living in the same town more or less all my life, and at 24 years of age now, I almost feel like it's 'do or die' time. Of course, last year and the start of this year was all about travelling. It was this insatiable urge to get out and go somewhere, live somewhere else, travel and see the world. This globe is so stupidly huge, it would be foolish for one to be limited to just a small town. 

 

Of course, now I've met Grace, we've been together for three months and things are fantastic. She's everything I want in a girl and I love her to bits. She's off to University in September, and chances are she will be studying locally. This means that for the next four years, assuming things with Grace are going swimmingly, I am tied down to Kent. This scares me. The thought of staying in Kent until I am 28. I don't see a time when I'm ever going to be able to see the world with Grace; it's not particularly high on her 'to-do' list and I wouldn't want to drag her away from her career anyway.

The truth is, at 24 years old, I feel like my time to be young and foolish is quickly running out. Pretty soon, I'm not going to be able to make big decisions and big mistakes because they will surely be too costly, what with a mortgage, family, career etc. What I want, what I REALLY want, is to get out of the UK. I've always wanted this, but having spent my savings on a holiday, a car and the year's insurance, I am starting from scratch. It's going to take me a year or more to save enough money to get away.

 

And I think that's why I'm feeling miserable. Once upon a time, a girl was enough to make me happy. Now, I need more. I need direction, I need excitement, I need adventure. Time is moving far too quickly. 

So I'm driving home from the gym this evening listening to The Glass Passenger, and I had the CD playing that came alongside the vinyl version of the album. So I'm cruising along and all of a sudden this song comes on I haven't heard before. Turns out there's a BONUS TRACK called 'Miss California'! You should have seen how excited I was. I was listening to it and grinning like a Cheshire cat, and all of a sudden everything in  my life was perfect. The sun was shining, the hair was looking good, the roads were clear and I was listening to brand new Jack's Mannequin. Electric. 

I'm toying with getting a tattoo soon. I'd love to get something 'Swim' related, as it is probably my favourite song of all time, the inspiration for my Blog title and some of the most beautiful lyrics you'll ever hear. Then I happened to tumble across this (pun totally intended):

http://fuckyeahjmsocotattoos.tumblr.com/

So much inspiration. I definitely want to get the asterisk somewhere, and possibly something 11:11 related. Below are a few of my favourites. Would love to know what you guys think, and if you have any tattoos. 

I hope you're all well. 

Luke

x

HOT. PINK.

I've recently started using Pinterest. I do realise that 95% of users are teenage girls posting photos of Ryan Gosling, however I've found it to be quite the time-waster. I find most evenings I'm trawling through masses of photos looking for something that I can relate to, or something that genuinely makes me lose my shit. Such as this:

Anyhow, I figured this probably wasn't the best use of my time. Between work, gym and Xbox, I have very little time to put my feet up and right now, that precious time is spent wasted. I could be Blogging I guess. 

Remember Myspace? Boy did that really die. But a few weeks back I logged onto mine. God knows how I remembered my password. It was strange going through all of the old messages on there, seeing my old profile and just generally taking a trip back down memory lane. Having your top 8 friends was a big deal, people used to actually hold grudges if they didn't make the lineup. And then there were messages like this:

i kno u wnt be up yet

but i am so tuff

onli jus gt out da showa gt loadsa shit 2 do bt im kinda hungry

wots healthy for breakfast??

porridge?

porridge!

shit we aint gt none

ar well i wudda added like 435886 spoons of sugar

im stil tired i duno hw tho :S

i reli do fink its down ta wot im eatin

i KNOW u wont be up ny time soon

cos ur a lazy bum

i bet ur snorin

or like........

humpin a pillow or summit

wish me luck in my test!!

i doubt ur'l be up b4 i leave

so bi bi love u lotsie

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jan 17th, 2007.

You know it's funny, if I ever received a message like that from a girl now, I would never reply. Unless the message is written in the Queen's English, I am not interested. What's worse is that I was almost as bad! If I ever met 17-year old Luke, I would punch him in the face and teach him how to use full stops

Facebook Timeline really made me realise how much of a complete illiterate douche I was back then. Funny how much things change in 5 years. It makes me cringe re-reading those old statuses. 

So I'm back on the old Blog. Here's the current state of play:

I now have a girlfriend. Her name is Grace, she is 18, she has big beautiful eyes and a lovely smile. She is also pretty intense. We've been together just over a month.

I don't know if I can feel the same feelings I felt with Annie again. I was young and stupid then and I just let myself go. I had nothing else, she was my world, and we were inseperable. At 24, with a full-time job, gym five days a week, plenty of football to watch and plenty of alcohol to drink, I don't think I'll ever have that amount of time and energy again. It's difficult to remember what those feelings were like back then, and it's probably unfair to compare a new relationship to an old one; we all know every relationship is different. I'm just not sure how I should feel right about now, one month into this. Nowhere near dishing out the 'L' word, nowhere near. But she would say it tomorrow if she knew I'd return with the same thing. 

Regardless, she's a lovely girl and she really cares for me, so we shall see. Perhaps I'm overly cynical.

I've quit smoking again. It's been one week today, and one of the reasons I'm blogging this evening is because I genuinely feel like killing somebody. 

I'm going to see Train next week in London. So needless to say I was abit gutted when I heard 'California 37' for the first time. It's no 'Save Me San Francisco', is it? Let's hope it's a grower. 

I am going on holiday to Magaluf in less than two months. In traditional fashion (no pun intended), I've bought an entire new wardrobe for a week long holiday. Had I known I was going to be in a relationship, I probably wouldn't have booked this holiday. Magaluf is not the place you want to go when you're tied up. It is a hotbed of hedonism. I'd never cheat. I'm 92% sure of that. But this is a test. 

Travelling plans are on hold at the moment due to the new girlfriend and just genuinely being unable to stop buying clothes. Seriously, I bought a pair of hot pink chino shorts on Saturday. HOT. PINK. 

I can't decide whether Tangled is a better film than Wall-E. Discuss. 

So anyway, I figured I'd turn to here as I've been pretty down over the last couple of days and I can't fathom out why. Perhaps it's Grace, perhaps it's the smoking, perhaps it's because I've been playing Silent Hill 2 again. Iono. I had hoped this would help, but alas I shall resort to the tried and tested formula of Ben and Jerry's and The Big Bang Theory. 

Tell me how you all are. I feel like I have so much to catch up on, so share with me all your life-changing revelations and make me feel like my problems are pathetic. No seriously, because they probably are. 

A song!!

Luke

x