There is absolutely zero chance you'll be getting breakfast or special cuddles in the morning.

Wednesday morning. I wake up feeling pretty rough. Then my hair doesn't go (yes, I'm a tart). Then I walk to work in the snow, in the freezing cold gale-force winds. Then I find that my new slim-fit office shirt is so slim-fit in fact that I cannot roll the sleeves up properly without cutting off the circulation to my forearm. Fuck. I'm gangster, I always roll my sleeves up. That's how I roll (get it!?).

 

So not the best start to my Wednesday. Or Wank Wednesday as I like to call it. No, not like that. It's named as such because it is officially the shittest day of the week. Nothing happens on a Wednesday. Nothing. There's not even any decent TV!

 

Monday - WWE Raw, One Tree Hill

Tuesday - Geordie Shore

Wednesday - ???

Thursday - Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents.

Friday - New Girl, Ice Road Truckers, WWE Smackdown.

Saturday - Match of the Day, Take Me Out.

Sunday - Whichever kids film Channel 4 decide to show.

 

I'm typically hanging out of my ass on Sunday so I'm easily amused.

 

And right on topic, let's talk about Saturday night. So there's this girl who I met a few weeks ago in a club. I took her home but didn't sleep with her. To be honest, she's too tall and she's not, how can I put it.. she's not aesthetically gifted. Anyhow, since that night, she has been on my case, ringing and texting constantly even when I don't reply. Debbie Desperate as we like to call them. In the end I told her to basically do one, I wasn't at all interested and I just wanted casual sex with random chicks. I was completely blunt with her.  

 

So Saturday comes along and I bump into her in the club again. Later in the night, we're deep into Power Hour (the last hour of any night where all the girls start getting a little desperate to pull, they don't want to go home alone) and I've yet to get lucky. Bad times. In a drunken haze I turn to Stilts. I said to her, "Look, this is just sex. I am under no obligation to text you after, this is a one-off, and there is absolutely zero chance you'll be getting breakfast or special cuddles in the morning, okay?".

 

"Yeah that's fine!".

 

Boom. I woke up the next morning next to her with a horrible, horrible hangover. Casual sex - If you only want to sleep with her after 10 pints, she's probably not the girl for you.

 

...Couldn't throw her around or anything... :/

 

Annie text me yesterday. "I wish I knew how you were".

 

I'll tell you exactly how I am, bitch. I'm fucking awesome. Stay the fuck out of my life.

 

Once again, I didn't reply. I've only recently got to the stage where I don't think of her most days. It's taken nearly two years, but I often completely forget about her. I like it that way. Leave the memories alone and keep the past in the past.

 

And when she gets home, if she dare come and knock on my front door, she's getting that very door slammed in her face. She's not welcome, we are not friends, and she is a cold-hearted home-wrecking .... And I am definitely not bitter.

 

Finally, I am in love with Lights Poxleitner. She is the perfect woman. Absolutely perfect. If you don't know her, here she is in all her glory.

Much Love,
Luke